I'm bored, so I thought I might post an update. 4/7/19

So, I think I should cover up my cringey 13-year-old posts with this one, updating y'all (if there are any of you) about my shitty life. Well, I moved to New Hampshire (nearing EIGHT MONTHS??? ago now) and haven't even been able to talk to anyone that I was friends with in Texas pretty much since the last day of school. School sucks, family sucks, life sucks in general. Thank God I met some online friends over Fortnite, and we have a great group of friends. I was even in a relationship but it ended over some complicated stuff so yeah. I have been worrying about the future and thinking about the past a lot, and it sucks. I don't know what to do when I'm 18. It's stressful. I'm probably doing online school next year (thank God) and for the rest of high school. But I despise myself. Every part of me is abnormal and hideous. I try to distract myself from me by composing music, talking to friends, or playing video games. I wish everything could go back to the way it was back in December--or even in March 2018.

My dreams are making me think...

Day 1 & 2:
2 nights ago I had a dream about music camp, which is what made me write the blog I wrote yesterday. Then, last night, I had the craziest dream! I was remembering things as a little toddler, like age 1 or 2! Then I was at my grandma's, then me (at age 3 or 4) and another 3-year-old girl were witnessing a crime scene and trying not to get hit with little metal balls! There was another part where me and someone else were in my art class for some reason, and I don't even know now. i'm trying to piece together the dream, but it's hard because I can't remember the whole thing now. But the music camp dream was weird, too. I was going into 9th grade, but I was still 13 (I have a summer birthday). I was trying to go to music camp as a camper, not a counselor, but there was this huge argument. There was one difference about my dream and the real music camp, though- the dream music camp was based by age, and the real music camp is based by what grade you're entering in the fall. The ages really are 6-13, I think, so I was 13 and should be able to do it. But I can't remember now if they let me be a camper in the dream. But seriously, my dreams are making me think! I can't explain them, really, because they're a picture in my head, but yeah. I wonder what my dream will be tonight, and I wonder if it will make me think! What if I have a record of this? I'll add a Day 3 if I have another weird dream.

I feel like crying....about music camp...

Okay, so, there's this summer music camp I've gone to every year since I was going into 3rd grade. And I just can't accept the fact that 2017 was my last year of music camp! Why? Because it only goes up to entering 8th grade, and I'm entering 9th grade next fall! I actually feel like crying. I found the new flyer for it, read it, and almost cried. I would've cried if nobody was around. But you will never understand what this means to me. I still remember my first performance- Seussical: The Musical. I miss those days. No, no, no, no, no!!! I can't accept it! I'm sorry, but I know I will cry sooner or later (probably in bed tonight...) But the snacks, the singing, the concerts, (not to mention the many memories I have there); it all went by so fast! It's a weeklong camp, so I've spent 30 days there total (5 days a year, 6 years). My only option to go back is to be a counselor, but, like, I'm not even considering that option, because I can't even see myself doing it. But you know who and what I will miss (besides EVERYTHING?) I will miss the song (We're makin' music, doo, doo, doo.....a-doo doo, doo,doo, doo-doo-doo-doo!). I will miss Mrs. Carol, Mrs. Brenda, Ms. Rozie,Ms. Joy, and everyone else! I will miss the beautiful stage, the snacks, the chimes and percussion, the excitement and nervousness of the concerts, the rehearsals, the pizza on Friday night, the shirts, the name tags (I'm literally listing everything), all the beautiful songs (I actually sing the songs because I've memorized the lyrics [and yes, we have to memorize like 5 songs in 5 days]), and literally, I'm not kidding when i say I'll miss everything! It never seems like it will get done, but the memorizing of the songs and the lines of the play ( not to mention the songs in the play, too), they always get done because we work so hard! I wish I could actually put down in words the joy I have going to music camp, and now it's over. Like, my dreams were crushed. Music camp is the only thing I'm happy about getting up at 7:00 in the morning for. It's 8:30 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. and I enjoyed every second of it! I've actually been to more music camps than there's ever been, as just a camper. And I think I'm the only camper (according to 2017) that has done that. I've been to 6 years of music camp out of 11. 2018 will be the 12th year and my record will be gone. Luckily, I'll have moving to distract me, but it will always be in the back of my mind. I just can't believe that those teachers watched me grow up for 6 years of my life! (Even if it was only 5 days a year). But I think I'm done. I still can't accept it, but writing down my feelings made me feel a little better (just kidding, it just made me more sad). I think I'm gonna go and cry now. Please, Mrs. Carol or Mrs. Brenda or Mrs Rozie,read this!